Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
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As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.