The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
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Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones