The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

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Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!


Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN


When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”


My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night


[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people


Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.


Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.


trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song


Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled