I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
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DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Perfect.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.