Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
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Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I put the mess in domestic.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?