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ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.