We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
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“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread