me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
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Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Kids, do not try this at home!
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Europe. Made in Germany.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*