I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
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Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy