Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
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When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.