I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
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*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.