I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
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ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range