FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
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my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
man: wait
time: no
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.