Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
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My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.