“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
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My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.