Put this video in the Louvre
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My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny