Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
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listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on