what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
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It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.