Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
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date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]