Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
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HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.