@dumbbeezie

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

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@Brampersandon_

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

@mablazarus

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

@MikeRevenaugh

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

@TheBoydP

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

@kathybotteas

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

@justabloodygame

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

@_correctomundo

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.