I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
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“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u