one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
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[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way