[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
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When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
When your best mate counts as a desk too
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.