My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
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amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.