I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
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Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
#math
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!