Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
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I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.