in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
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I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.