First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
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grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Yes my dude
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
You wish you had this many chins.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!