I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
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My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.