What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
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My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old