I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
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respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.