I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
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Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Room with a view.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription