My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
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{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic鈥攐mg, yay.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
It鈥檚 ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don鈥檛 all go on anymore either.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I鈥檓 getting
Pack some crackers, we鈥檙e going on a cheeseabout.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven鈥檛 pushed everything off it yet. you can鈥檛.
When you鈥檙e firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that鈥檚 right.
AUTOCORRECT: It鈥檚 not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don鈥檛 know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she鈥檒l probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
馃憞
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that鈥檚 him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
*wanders around an office I don鈥檛 work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn鈥檛 want to be rude*
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.