You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
You Might Also Like
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Looking at you, Jesus.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I think this cat is broken
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that