Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
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I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.