Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
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I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
All. The. Damn. Time.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*