The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
You Might Also Like
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!