Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
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jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit