Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
The pen is writier than the sword.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
not seeing the problem
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.