WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
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Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
And now we wait
No. He’s not coming out to play
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
necessity is the mother of invention
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.