Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
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[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
We all have our pet causes.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
“Sheer Arrogance”