I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
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Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.