toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
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My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.