Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
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*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT