Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
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Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
can’t bark with your mouth full
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.