Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
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It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Simple
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How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.