me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
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My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Danger is very dangerous
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
What’s the point buying it then?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Born to be mild.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.