Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
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[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work