This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
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I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS