Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
You Might Also Like
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
*serious situation*
My brain:
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac