You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
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How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
#dalle2
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Who chose this font
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.