*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

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*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!


My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.


you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*


BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
ME: That means words


I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.


Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.


7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:


My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.


🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls