Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

dogs can find happiness so easily

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]