*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
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FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Twitter is an abusement park.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.