@ashmensch
@DropDeadJud superterriblemorningexpialidocious
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@DropDeadJud 
@notalogin *Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
@HenpeckedHal My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
@murrman5 you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
@TheToddWilliams [interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
@NYC_Blonde I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
@LindaInDisguise Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
@dadmann_walking 7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
@lovemydogduck My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
@MsLisaM 🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls